I need help, big time.

by Missy
(Ontario, Canada)

Question


I have always been an extreme worrier. Ever since I was young I have worried about anything and everything and it almost always comes down to not feeling pretty, thin, talented, smart, funny, sociable, kind etc. Enough.

But now I have found the man that I am going to marry. I know that for a million reasons, some that cannot even be described. For the first time, I am happy, but that doesn't change that I worry, constantly.

I worry about the people that my boyfriend has slept with, that he had more fun with them than he does with me. I worry about the girls that he's dated in the past, that he felt stronger for them than he does for me.

I worry about celebrities he may find attractive, so much so, that I can't even listen to certain people sing on the radio without feeling sick to my stomach.

I worry so often and so strongly that I compulsively check the history on our computer and on his cell phone to see whose Facebook profile he was looking at, just so that I can worry more that maybe he finds those girls more attractive than me.

I worry that he will look up pictures of famous people because I am not thin enough, not pretty enough. The need for control, to see what he's been seeing, is unbearable.

I hate the thought that with his friends he may comment that a girl who just walked by was 'hot'. When I say completely unbearable, I mean it.

This worry can consume hours upon hours of a perfectly good day, and create arguments between my boyfriend and I that wouldn't otherwise have occurred just because I have spun myself into a mini-depression with all of the made up scenarios in my mind.

We rarely have a real fight, but when we do, it seems the argument always turns back to my low self esteem.

I want my relationship to be perfect (as perfect as it realistically can be) but I fear that my low self esteem will poison our relationship and I will lose the one person that means the most to me.

I am desperate for relief from the absolute constant worry that he will be attracted to anyone but me.

It is not that I am afraid that he will be unfaithful, he is not the type of person to ever be able to do that to anyone, and I know that he loves me. But I worry that he will be attracted, or feel something for someone other than me.

Please help, the worry is taking over my life. I need to feel that I am worthy of his love, and that even if he does find someone else attractive, it doesn't matter.

Saying it now sounds crazy, but I hope that I can someday get to that point.

Answer

Missy thank you for submitting this question. Also, I would like to congratulate you for first acknowledging that you have low self esteem and second for asking for help - so I'm sending you my heartfelt gratitude.

Missy you must absolutely love and accept yourself completely first before anyone else can. Yes, your boyfriend loves you but deep down he wants you to love yourself too. He wants you to be happy. Maybe not in so many words but he feels it.

Here's what I want you to do -
- Every day I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Show yourself some love.
- Say to yourself in the mirror until you believe it throughout your entire body - "Missy I love and accept you completely just the way you are right now."
- Now as soon as you start to worry about your boyfriend thinking someone else, replace that person with your face. He loves you. He thinks you’re pretty. He believes that you’re enough for him. Feel those feelings. The ones that are real.
- Get a journal and write down all the beliefs you have about yourself. All the things that happened to you that make you feel unworthy. That makes you feel shameful. That makes you feel not enough. I would bet that just writing out this question gave you some relieve.

Missy once you remove these road blocks in your belief system you'll begin to understand why you think and feel the way you do.

Once you understand them, you're in a better position to change them.

Trust me it has nothing to do with your boyfriend, celebrities or other women you pass on the street.

It's all inside you. You create all this worry and anxiety and YOU can take it away by focusing on what's actually happening. No more made up stories.

Love yourself Missy and you'll be happier then anyone could ever make you.

I sincerely hope that you give the above advice a try. I believe that in doing at least on of the suggestions would start you down a new self loving path.

Take care Missy.