I have had this problem since childhood, I believe as a result of sexual molestation around before I was school age. I see it. I see the behaviors as a result, I tend to subordinate myself too readily in all relationships - less so with my immediate family (parents, siblings) but mostly with other relationships from friends to more and more my kids.
I cannot seem to grow a backbone and just go along even as my brain is screaming other thoughts. I just let someone take me for a lot of what I had built over the years. Knowing it would turn out badly but I could not stand up for myself. I remember feeling like I had to choose between him and I and somewhere inside screaming "Choose me!" and I didn't.
I feel like I keep wanting someone else to save me because I cannot seem to value myself to save myself. I feel pretty hopeless.
I want to try so I guess I need some enlightenment.
You are the only one who can save yourself from yourself. I would advise that you get a journal and start writing.
Write everything that you feel, everything you've been through, everyone who has hurt you and who've you hurt.
Life is a learning process. We are never as smart as we need to be. We will always make mistakes and bad choices.
But we will also grow and expand from the same things. So don't continue to beat yourself up about the past and what you wish you would of did or wish you won't of did.
And by all means go see a therapist if you can. But not for what they will say to you but because of what you can say to them. You can release a lot of held in emotions and free yourself from the burden of guilt and shame.
You must let go of the past so you can fully experience the present. This will lead you freely into the future.
If you’ve been stuck in this same pattern for a long time, then it’s time to get some help and let it go. Letting go is easier said then done. I know that. But it has to be done.
Your self esteem will grow in leaps and bounds once you let go of the past and old negative beliefs about yourself.
Let go and let God.
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